If you know me very well, you know that I am terrible at making decisions. For the most part, I feel afraid of saying 'yes' to something because I know that it automatically means 'no' to something else and I am also afraid of missing out, so yeah. On another note, I feel weird knowing that my decisions for the most part will also affect the people around me.
Lately, I've noticed that I have to make decisions every single day and for some reason and it has become harder and harder because the decisions are not always small like choosing where to eat for lunch. I've been facing life changing decisions that honestly have the potential to straight up mess up my day because I feel stuck in my indecisiveness. It's been a slow process of learning to say 'yes' and also learning to saying 'no'. Do not be afraid to say yes when you want to say yes or feel lead to say yes! Same thing happens when it comes to saying no. Then celebrate! Even if its a small decision, it might be a small step in the right direction.
I am going to take this opportunity to say thank you to my boyfriend + my best friends + coworkers for helping me to make decisions when it comes to choosing what to eat, what movie to watch, or what shoes to wear.
Yesterday, one of my awesome coworkers noticed the way that some of my friends and I talk to each other. In reality, I never really noticed anything particular about how we speak to each other or even bothered to pay too much attention. This morning, I read Proverbs 18:21 where it tell us that our tongues have the power of life and death. Our words matter so much more than we realize! God wants us to speak words that give life ad encouragement to the people aroud us! I realized that I'm very lucky to be sorrounded by awesome women in my community and my workplace that are so intentional about encouraging each other and speaking life into each other to the point where sometimes I forget how beautiful it is to be able to speak to each other like that. It became the norm. We obviously also joke around and might casually make fun of the other, but it's all from a place of deep love and respect. Text someone today and remid them that you're in their team encouraging better! Do me one better, call them!
I can't believe that I haven't blogged in four months, not that I didn't think about it because I did. Several times I thought of attempting to write and many of my closest friends even asked the reason why I stopped completely. In all honesty, there was a lot of different things going on in my head and in my heart that keep me away from blogging.
Many times I felt insecure and scared of what others were going to say or think about my writing. Other times, I questioned my own motive behind blogging. Am I doing this for me? I asked myself over and over again. Why am I doing this? Why did I start doing this? What is the purpose behind me blogging? Also, I wondered if people were also questioning my motives behind blogging and writing. It was all obviously just inside of my head.
The reason why I started this online space was with the hope that through my experience as a young woman in ministry, I could help and inspire others in their own journey. In Matthew 5:14-15 (ESV) it says, "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."
I have been fighting with fear for a long time, probably all of my life. But I don't want to not use my gifts and abilities because I'm constantly afraid of failure or of what other people are going to think of what I'm doing or the motive behind it. I say, we all use our gifts and abilities for the glory of God. Encourage the people around you, encourage yourself, be the light of Jesus on this Earth.
Is there something that you desperately want to pursue? Maybe it's a passion for something that you're constantly fighting to suppress, and yet it's all you ever think about. For the past year, I had been trying so hard to not rock the boat. To just live a "normal" life, whatever that is. To reach a comfort space where I could finally find a healthy routine where things would finally feel "normal"; once again, I have no clue what that means and no clue what I was reaching for. Well, recently I discovered that everything that I've been doing for the past year has been extremely controlled by fear. I realized that I had been so afraid, to the point of not even wanting to admit that there's so many things that I'm passionate about and that I want to try out. Fear had me paralyzed in a space where I couldn't even bring myself to admit that I was letting go of my passions and my dreams to live a steady life. I don't consider myself a risk taker, but I wasn't happy with myself. I was putting myself, my dreamns, and my passions in a box. I was telling myself that I couldn't ask for more. I'm in this new season of finding my courage. I'm not going to lie, it's been hard. There's been moments where I put myself out there and speak up and then get turned down immediately. Does it hurt? Heck yeah! The difference is that I'm not going to allow fear to control my actions this time. Now, let me ask you: what has been stopping you? Why haven't you started pursuing your dreams? Have you been turning off that voice in your head that tells you to chase after your passions?
In John 10:10 He says, "I came to give life with joy abundance"(VOICE). For the past couple of months, in my small group we've been diving in and learning what it looks like to live an abudant life in several different aspects such as prayer, community, joy, contentment, and many more other things! This past week, we asked ourselves: Am I living the life that Jesus gave me abundantly? I'm not going to lie, it's a scary thought for me. A convicting one as well. I'm the kind of person that likes getting the job "done" and a lot of times that means that I tried to check things of a list, consider them done, and then move on with the next task. I realized that I had been doing something similar when it comes to my walk with Christ. Read my Bible: check! Pray: check! Watch a service online or listen to a podcast: check! I mean, I love doing these things and I love that they are part of my routine. Something has been missing though and it has been very hard to figure out what it is exactly. Lately, I've been feeling like my life is constantly driven by fear. I chose to do things and not to do things because I'm so afraid of disrupting the way things are in my life. I feel like that's why I've never been able to give my 100% to this blog. I'm constantly afraid of not doing it right. I constantly feel like I have nothing important to share with my readers. It's like I'm waiting for the moment where things line up and everything is looking perfect, then I make my "bold" move. Before that happens, I just stand in the sideliness frozen by fear. Honestly, I'm done with fear! I had to ask myself: Am I willing to step up, even if it means that it won't be perfect? Yes! It isn't about having your plan or life perfectly outlined, it's about always doing the next thing in front of you to the best of your ability. Know that if you're feeling like this or if you've ever felt like this, your life counts! Your presence matters to the kingdom of God! You're vital!
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